I don’t know and neither did my parents.

I remember when my parents could do anything, and when my Dad was the strongest and smartest man alive. I remember when my mom’s word was law and how she never stopped moving, always cooking and cleaning. I grew up happy, safe, warm and loved. (That’s me on the far left.)

us as kids

Now, I’m a mom. I have kids that look at me with adoring and trusting eyes. They, like I did, believe that money grows on trees, the cupboards will always be full, and that they could never, ever, hurt my feelings.

Oh, the blissful ignorance of youth.

I’m not the strongest or the smartest. I struggle every day to gather the energy to wipe their faces, feed their bellies, and to smile through the tears as their sometimes hurtful words pierce my heart.

Just like my parents did.

I battle feelings of guilt, sure that I’m on the cusp of some irreparable mistake that will scar them for life. I work to exhaustion because there is never enough time, energy, or answers. I must lack what they need because, if I’m honest, I’ll admit that I have no idea what their real physical needs are. Not really.

Do they need to be homeschooled? Public schooled? Private schooled? Do they need more time with mom and dad? Less?

Do they need more social times with friends their age? More opportunities to shine outside the family unit?

Do they need firmer boundaries? Fewer boundaries? Consequences? Grace?

I don’t know.

And neither did my parents.

And maybe that’s okay.

Maybe it’s okay that this mom doesn’t have all the answers. Maybe what I really need is to spend more time praying, more time examining my own heart, actions, and choices. Maybe it’s less about what my kids are (or are not) doing, and more about how I am reacting to it. Maybe, what God is trying to teach me at this moment, is not how to be a better mom to my children, but how to be a more obedient and loving daughter to Him.

Maybe this season isn’t just about shaping them, but it’s also about shaping me.

My parents made mistakes. Their parents made mistakes. I’m going to make mistakes. But I serve a God who can take the ashes of my mistakes and create something beautiful.

6 thoughts on “I don’t know and neither did my parents.

  1. elliekendrick4@gmail.com says:

    So beautiful and so true. Thank you.
    Sent from my “contract free” BlackBerry® smartphone on the WIND network.

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    • staceyweeks says:

      Thank you Ellie. This was typed as tears streamed down my face. Parenthood is so hard some days, but so worth it. I don’t know what I’d do without faith in a God who loves my kids even more than I do.

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  2. Jane Hart. says:

    You sweet girl. I remember those days. Nothing like mother guilt. My children are 42 ,40 ,39 and I still have concerns about how I can best help them in life. It is different because we add grandchildren .Motherhood never ends it just changes. I know you will make the right choices because I know God. You do as well. How wonderful when we muddle through life He is always there to guide and direct. Yes and fill in the gaps that we in our humanness leave open. I pray for you and your family and will continue.

    I love your blog and your willingness to share you heart You are loved 🙂

    Jane Hart How is the painting coming? Send pictures! Ps the virus that Kevin has sounds like the same one my son had and my daughter in law has now. High fever cough feel terrible. The doctor said that it takes about a 7 days to run its course. If he is coughing green he may need antibiotic. We are praying.

    >

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    • staceyweeks says:

      It’s wonderful to have the assurance that even when I make mistakes, God loves these kids and can and will direct them despite my failures. He is so good to us, and knowing Him is the only thing that keeps this exhausted heart going 🙂 Thank you for your encouraging comments. They always make my day.

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  3. Jennifer Petersen says:

    Thank you for your blog and the encouragement that your words bring..Love, love it. I experienced every emotion and thought that you expressed and I asked God to fill the gaps of my parenting inefficiencies. But for God and His grace and sufficiency, I’d be in a basket with the lid on. 🙂
    Some women seemed to have it all together with overflowing abundance of energy. Clean house, great meals, obedient kids (these were some of my unsaved friends) and I realized that was comparing and I was playing a loosing game and believing a lie. Truth was God was able, not me and I needed to focus on Him and knock off the self condemnation.
    We will always be mothers and some of us grandmothers and continuely depend on God’s tenderness toward His children to fill the gaps. He loves our kids more than we do, amazing and reassuring!
    God is working wonderfully in your life and in your blog. When fear and guilt come “a knocking” we have His truth that truly sets us free. Keep writing and being real! Love you.

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    • staceyweeks says:

      Thank you Jennifer. Motherhood is, by far, the hardest and greatest job God has ever called me too. I so desire to hear Him say one day, well done. Thanks for your encouraging words 🙂

      Like

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