Kevin and I planned to have a family, but after many years of marriage, we had to consider that maybe our future didn’t include children. In that difficult season of life we struggled to see past our desires to consider that maybe God had a bigger plan in motion.
Difficulties have a way of highlighting sinful tendencies that are easily normalized when life is easy. I-want-it-my-way attitudes and foot-stomping tantrums prevail when God says no. Yet, these are the precious moments where our Holy Lord enters into our pain and speaks directly to our hearts, speaks directly to the sin hiding there and exposes it. After one such encounter, I journaled this conversation with God:
God, if you bless us with children, I will praise you. I will tell of your goodness, your faithfulness and love. I will use every opportunity to share how much you care about the things we hold dear in our hearts. And If you never bless us with children, if for some reason a family is not part of your plan for our future, I will still praise you. I will tell of your goodness, your faithfulness and love. I will use every opportunity to share how much you care about the things we hold dear in our hearts. My love for you and my trust in you will not depend on how you answer this desire in my life. You have nothing to prove to me. You are my God and You are enough.
Sweet contentment came after surrender. Despite the fear, despite the anger, despite the anguish, God was there, and He was telling me that He was enough.
God never gave me a sneak peek at the three beautiful children He had chosen for us. We waited another year before receiving the gift of international adoption, and an additional four years before adopting the boys. Similarly, you might not get a sneak peek at the beauty God can raise from the ashes in your life. Today, I can look back with a better understanding of what God was doing. I can see how God used our wait, our trials, and our disappointment to shape me for my good and His glory. He taught me lessons about trust, about unconditional love, and about Him. HE IS ENOUGH.
Some well-intended people have said in the past that Kate is lucky to have us. I respectfully disagree. We are the ones blessed to have her. Through her, God has stretched me, changed me, and drawn me closer to Him. And through her, He has blessed me beyond my wildest dreams.
Thank you, God. It’s her birthday, yet I am blessed to receive the gift of motherhood.
Who is like the Lord Our God?… He gives the barren woman a home, making her the joyous mother of children. Praise the Lord!