It started bright, but soon dimmed. It grew dark enough to blind even the most positive heart, pounding in the message that I’m broken and unable. I’m at the exhausted end of myself where my wisdom is foolishness and my strength will fail. My constant need for the Lord is displayed in this internal, age-old war between the spirit and the flesh, between the light and the dark.
And the enemy’s half-truths sucker-punch my soul.
I am broken. I am unable. I am foolish and weak. But that is only half of the truth statement. When my inability meets God’s ability everything shifts. I am afflicted, but not crushed, perplexed but not despairing, persecuted but not forsaken, struck down but not destroyed because it shows the world that the surpassing power belongs to God, and that I belong to Him. God can rebuild from my mess. God can make a way where I cannot see one. God provides the strength to accomplish His will and the wisdom I need to discern between His voice and mine.
But, I must seek Him. I must desire the Light.
In those desperate moments when I dip my toes into the water I want Him to part, when I look for the manna I think that I need, when I weep for the mercy that I cannot earn, I must turn my face toward the Light. It is only when I come to the place where I am absolutely and undeniably dependent upon the Lord that my soul is refreshed and given the supernatural ability to not lose heart.
This light and momentary affliction is preparing an eternal weight of glory beyond all comparison.
This turns my sorrow into to praise, my weeping into to thanksgiving. What I need even more than parted water, more than manna from heaven, and more than a false sense of earned favor is the mercy of God opening my eyes to His truth.
I need this humbling, stripping-off of pride. I need the daily sanding of rough edges and the constant reminder that I accomplish nothing of value apart from Him. I need this broken, tired, and desperate heart to not focus on the things seen, but on the things unseen, on the things that are eternal.
I need more than a fleeting prayer for mercy that never thinks of Him again. I need to work out my salvation, to actively pursue obedience, submerged in His presence and His wisdom. I need to search for Him where He promises to be found – in His living and powerful Word. I need to believe that God’s light shines brightest in the dark, that it is impossible to miss His brilliant presence when I earnestly seek His face, and that when I turn to Him on those darker days, He can scatter the shadows and turn my desperation into praise.