Way back in 2001, I wrote an article for Today’s Christian Woman about my experience with secondary infertility, which is the inability to bear another child when you’ve already had at least one biologically. Toward the end of that piece, I noted, “I wish I could say I was totally ‘over it,’ but I know there’ll forever be an ache inside me for the children who might have been.”
Was I ever right.
Here I am in 2022, in my 60s, my solitary child in her 30s, and I still have those pangs.
As authors often do, I also took my experience and fictionalized it, in my historical romance e-novella, The Christmas Child. The main character, Hannah, agonizes over her failure to get pregnant. If you’re familiar with the Biblical prophet Samuel, you’ll recognize that I named her after his mother. Her account is found in 1 Samuel chapters 1 and 2. I related to her deep grief and anguish as I slogged through medical treatments and failed adoption attempts both to initially conceive and then through my second, unsuccessful endeavor.
The actual Hannah finally bore Samuel. I gave birth to my daughter. Unlike me, though, she went on to have five more kids. I won’t give away the conclusion to my fictional Hannah’s story, but here’s a hint: romances usually have a happy ending. So what do I do with my not-as-happy ending?
In those moments when I brood over my lot, I always cast my mind back to the last chapter of John, where the resurrected Son of God appears to two of His disciples. As Jesus talks to them, He alludes to Peter’s eventual martyrdom. Naturally, this is upsetting news. I imagine Peter thinking, Why should I have to suffer by myself? It’s not fair! Looking at his companion John, he blurts out, “What about him?” (v. 21).
Jesus’ reply, spoken twice, brings me up short every time: “What is that to you?” (v. 22, 23).
Because He asks me a similar question: what do women who have more than one child have to do with you?
My only answer is—nothing.
Then He issues a challenge, both to Peter and, by extension, to me: “You follow Me!” (v. 22).
I take great comfort in the assurance that Jesus understands my mourning over my greatest “what if” (Prov. 30:15-16). He sympathizes with me and even shares that burden (Ps. 68:19, Is. 53:4a, 1 Peter 5:7). But He loves me too much to leave me stuck in self-pity. He calls me to live fully and abundantly in “what is,” (Jn. 10:10), fixing my eyes on Him, the author and perfector of my faith (Heb. 12:2).
My real—and forever—happy ending, He gently reminds me, is “what will be,” an eternity with Him, in a place where tears and pain are no more (Rev. 21:4).
I love the way King David sums it up: “You [God] will make known to me the path of life; You will fill me with joy in Your presence [and] with eternal pleasures at Your right hand” (Ps. 16:11).
So what do I do? I hold on tight and keep walking.
“There are three things that are never satisfied, four that never say, “Enough!”: the grave, the barren womb, land, which is never satisfied with water, and fire, which never says, “Enough!”
Proverbs 30:15-16
A barren couple. A baby who needs a home. A husband adamantly opposed to adoption.
Infertility casts a shadow over Robert and Hannah’s marriage in 1891 New York. So does her newfound faith, a result of Dwight L. Moody’s evangelistic campaign. Their world is further rocked by their immigrant maid’s pregnancy, and by Jacob Riis’ shocking exposé on life in the city’s tenements.
Penny Musco is a freelance writer with publishing credits in AARP, Fodor’s Travel, and AAA publications, among others. She was an Artist in Residence for the National Park Service, and speaks regularly about the national parks at libraries and senior residences. Her first book, Life Lessons from the National Parks: Meeting God in America’s Most Glorious Places, came out in 2016.
Stories fuel me. They take me places I could or would never go to do things I could or would never do. They walk me through valleys I have never been through and lead me up mountains I may never see. They teach me things about others and more importantly, about myself. There is simply something in my DNA that resonates with story.
And over the past few years, I’ve come to understand why.
We, Dear Sisters, are in the midst of an epic story. It’s a tale of love and war, of good and evil, life and death. And sadly, too often we don’t realize it, or if we do, we determine to make the story about us. It’s human nature.
But when we become followers of Jesus Christ, we are given a new nature. It is in this new nature that our eyes are opened to the story God is telling in the world around us. Through the guidance of the Holy Spirit, we’ll be able to discern right from wrong. We’ll learn to recognize the enemy’s attacks almost before they start. We’ll have a supernatural strength that gets us through trials we never thought we could survive.
Most glorious of all, we’ll no longer question our purpose, or if we even have one. When we give our lives to God and accept His sovereignty over everything, we’ll see His hand of providence has been with us, preparing us for this time and this place.
A Far Way to Run
As I wrote my book, A Far Way to Run, I was hit over and over again with the words for such a time as this. A favorite verse of mine, these words come from the book of Esther (Esther 4:14). If you’re not familiar with her story, I encourage you to read it now.
Esther has been forced to live a life she didn’t want and wouldn’t have picked if she’d been given the choice. Orphaned among an exiled people, she was forced to marry a pagan king. She may have lived in a palace with all the royal benefits, but she lived a life of bondage. She couldn’t even approach her husband without fear of being put to death.
And then there came a moment when she had a choice. When we read Esther’s story, we often think her choice was whether to risk her life or to play it safe.
But a deeper consideration reveals that the choice was really about story. Was her life to be about her story—the orphan turned queen—the end? Or was she willing to live her life as a part of God’s eternal story?
She chose well, and today we are still studying her life as an example for ours.
What will you choose?
We, too, are faced with that choice. We can live our lives as though the story is about us. Or we can step into the irreplaceable role God has created for us.
Few of us live an unblemished life. We have regrets over poor choices and past mistakes. We wrap ourselves in shame over things we’ve done or have had done to us. We lose our way in the larger story… if we ever knew it in the first place.
And we did. Our little girl selves knew there was a great and heroic adventure before us, and we were ready to play our part. But the world has told us we are unlovable, unworthy, and unnecessary until we find ourselves stuck in the chapter we’re in. Afraid or unable to turn the page, we soon forget we’re in a story at all.
There was a time when this was my life as well. I felt the weight of depression as I faced a black curtain that hid the future. Though I wanted to believe there was something on the other side of it, I couldn’t see past the curtain. I slipped down a dark hole where it felt as though there was no meaning to my existence. It was a terrible experience, and one I’ve thankfully left in the past.
Writing stories helps me remember I am in a larger story, whether I choose to embrace that fact or not. When I live as though my story—my life—is about me, I live a life with limits, where failures are failures and mistakes can’t be redeemed. But when I live my life as a part of God’s larger story, I live a life where the failures and mistakes can not only be redeemed but used for God’s glory. I may not understand the pain and suffering I’ve experienced, but I can trust that God has used it to prepare me for my such a time as this moment.
We’re all living in a story. The question for each of us is who will our story be about? This is the question my protagonist, Shayne, must wrestle with in A Far Way to Run.
Today may we all consider that question. There is freedom to be enjoyed when we embrace our roles in God’s greater story.
A Far Way to Run is a compelling story about overcoming the past to discover your purpose. This novel chronicles what happens when a woman traumatized by a violent sexual assault must make a life-defining choice to continue hiding, or stand up in the face of evil to save a stranger.
Possible Triggers: Sexual Assault, PTSD, Sex Trafficking
Multi-published author Lori Altebaumer describes herself as a wandering soul with a home-keeping heart. Her tag line of head in the clouds, boots on the ground, and heart in His hands isn’t just a catchy phrase, but sums up the way she lives her life. Lori has enjoyed both traditional and independent publishing. Her debut novel, A Firm Place to Stand, has been recognized as 2020 AWSA Golden Scrolls Awards winner as well as being selected as a finalist for multiple Selah Awards and the BRMCWC Director’s Choice Awards in 2021. Her work has been included in multiple compilations including Arise to Peace published by Right to the Heart and The Power to Make a Difference published by Lighthouse Bible Studies. Lori enjoys engaging with all facets of the writing industry and people who are passionate about the craft of writing. A life-long Texas, she loves her Southern roots, things that make her laugh, and the company of family and friends.
In Meet Me on the Porch, the main character is heartsick and broken over a bad choice from her past. She knows she’s been forgiven, but her actions have long-lasting consequences, and she still has deep feelings of unworthiness. When she finds a safe haven, she prays for peace, and understanding of where she went astray. She desperately desires to be used by God but needs to accept His mercy and most of all, forgive herself.
We’ve all been there, haven’t we? But there is HOPE in God’s promise in Isaiah 1:18: “Though your sins be as scarlet, they shall be as white as snow; though they be red like crimson, they shall be as wool.”
Since 2014, Erin Stevenson has been writing faith-based romance novels for Pelican Book Group and Winged Publications. She is a member of ACFW (American Christian Fiction Writers), where she has served as a judge and was a 2021 Carol Award finalist.
Grounding her novels in reality, Erin crafts characters who encounter events and hardships familiar to all of us. Her inspirational writing will take the reader down paths of both joy and pain, but always highlighting God’s faithfulness.
When I was fifteen, our youth group went on a twenty-one-mile backpacking trip. At one point, we found ourselves standing at the top of a 2,000-foot sheer cliff. My pastor was hamming it up for the camera and stood on one foot waving his arms around as though he were about to fall to his death.
Hilarious, right?
Well, it did make for a humorous photo. But even as a teenager and the one taking the picture, I remember thinking about his pregnant wife at home and wondering what she and their baby would do if he slipped and died while goofing off with us.
Now, the story ends well. Our pastor had several feet of room before the rock fell away to that wicked drop, and he didn’t actually stumble. His son grew up with a dad’s love and care and is now a dad himself.
But that moment reminds me of the theme verse I chose when writing Spider Gap. Which incidentally, takes place on that very same hiking trail.
“The LORD delights in those who fear him, who put their hope in his unfailing love.”
Psalm 147:11
The fear of the Lord can be a baffling concept. Doesn’t God say that He loves us deeply, enough to chase after us as if we were the only lost sheep in the whole flock? Enough to die for us? Yes, yes it does! God’s incredible love for us is such a vital thing to remember. Don’t forget it!
Besides remembering, resting in, and reciprocating God’s love for us, we are also instructed to “Fear the Lord.”
Huh?
Not sure about you, but I generally don’t show a whole lot of love for people or even animals that I fear. I fear spiders. I don’t really love them, though. The people that I fear … loving them is an even more weighty thought to consider and a topic for another blog post.
Fear and love, two things that I normally don’t pair.
But the mountains, the vast majesty of the mountains help me to understand the value of “The Fear of the Lord.”
The wilderness is dangerous. Did you know that? Not cruel or evil, but dangerous. Mountains especially are dangerous places. Now, they are not trying to be deadly. But if they were safer and more like meadows and ponds … they wouldn’t be mountains anymore.
If you stumble while walking the narrow trails through the mountains, you can literally trip right off a 2,000-foot cliff and die a moment later. If you don’t pack the right clothes, food, or shelter; you can die of exposure in a single night. If you act in a foolish way around wildlife, you can meet your end swiftly. If you simply read your map wrong and head in the opposite direction, you can be walking so long and so far that no one ever finds you.
The mountains are dangerous. A smart person fears them even if they deeply love the mountains and trekking through their glorious beauty.
I love the mountains all the more because of their sharp, dangerous heights. I love the remote stretches of untouched forest. I love that rare wildlife lurk within them. I love the blast of alpine wind as you finally make it to the top of a vigorous climb and survey the land rolling away to the horizon.
If the mountains were not dangerous, they would not be mountains.
It is the same with God.
If He were not powerful, unknowable, vast in His understanding and strength … He would not be God. When I fear Him, I respect that He is God and I am not. I step back and am amazed by His strength. Like standing outside in the middle of a mighty storm, I relish the unknowable nature of God. It fills me with wonder that One so mighty loves me so very deeply.
Do not be satisfied with a God of meadows, ponds, and cleanly manicured lawns.
God is also a God of mountains. A God of howling wolves and shaggy bears. A God of thunderstorms and a God of twisty trails that lead to the top of 2,000-foot cliffs.
Spider Gap–Lilly, a first-year school teacher is roped into chaperoning a backpacking trip over the Spider Gap glacier. Unfortunately, she cannot find a sitter for her purse-dog and must smuggle him along on the trip. All her friskiest 6th-grade students are participating as well as a handsome ski instructor who resists her efforts to organize their trip in a mathematically pleasing manner. Can Lilly evoke a thirst for learning within her skeptical students, when she herself can barely survive the rigors of the trail?
Kristen Joy Wilks is an author, camp photographer, and the mom of three rowdy boys. When Kristen is not shooing pet chickens out of the house, she loves to write about the humor and grace that can be found hidden amidst the detritus of life. Much like the shiny quarter one member of their household swallowed and then found in the pot four days later. If God is good enough to grant us these gems, she figures that someone should be putting them to the page.
Jesus says my heart need not be troubled or afraid, but that feels impossible some days. The world has shifted in ways that appear to be ushering in unwanted change. My heart is troubled. It has been afraid. Yet, the unchanging Word of God says peace is possible. But where do we find this kind of peace? Would you be surprised to learn that you won’t find it at the end of a war or pandemic? Lasting peace belongs to Jesus, and He wants to give it to you.
Peace is an absence of anxiety, fear, and stress. It is a total trust in the Lord that is not anxious about anything (Phil 4:6-8). Jesus offers His peace (John 14:27), and this offering is different from the peace of the world. It has to be because we needn’t look far to see the world has no peace to give.
My flesh wants to believe that this type of peace is too hard, but the Spirit reminds me that I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me (Phil 4:13). My flesh wants to scramble after man-made answers, but wisdom reminds me that God will meet every need (Phil 4:19). Yesterday, I cried. I was so overwhelmed. Today, I start again with the Lord and trust Him for another day. God’s mercies are new every morning. He is faithful (Lam 3:22-23). There is no failure or lack of ability that can derail God’s plans for the world’s future (Isa 14:27). I know this. Now, I must live like I believe this. As I mentally fight for biblical thinking one day (one hour!) at a time, I live and focus on this day, not worrying about tomorrow (Matt 6:34). This requires me to take every thought captive and make it obedient to Christ (2 Cor 10:5).
When I commit my mind to the things of the Lord, peace follows. It is exhausting to redirect myself continually but freeing. It feels dangerous yet safe. It provides no worldly answers, but it causes me to depend on the One who holds the answers, and that is why it brings peace within circumstances that haven’t changed. Move your gaze from the headlines to the Saviour to have this peace. He is worth more than anything this broken world promises. Let your heart not be troubled.
When a person is diagnosed with Parkinson’s Disease, it’s typically not a surprise. Symptoms have alerted them for some time. I knew there was something causing the shaking of my hands. It had increased to the point where people noticed. I found myself tucking my shaky right hand out of sight or holding it still with my left hand. My primary care doctor suspected Benign Essential Tremor but sent me to a neurologist for an expert opinion. The neurologist matter-of-factly stated, “This is not Essential Tremor. You have Parkinson’s Disease.” I had suspected it and left his office not overly alarmed. Many people have PD. I shifted my care to a Movement Disorder Specialist, began medication, and continued with my life, working as an elementary principal. I joined an exercise group specific for people with PD and began attending info luncheons provided by our local PD support group. It was there that reality hit me in the gut. I saw people with advanced stages of the disease. Some who couldn’t walk without assistance. Some whose speech was garbled, rendering it incomprehensible. Some who tremored; some who swayed; some who drooled; and many with blank faces. I wanted to run from there and put my head back in the sand where I thought of PD as a nuisance instead of a life-changing disease. But that wasn’t possible. Once we learn something, we can never unlearn it. I cried and prayed but knew that without a miracle from God, PD isn’t curable.
I know that God is able, but instead of asking for a miracle, I prayed for peace and the ability to face my infirmity with grace. I believe that the Bible speaks to us about dealing with physical ailments. When Lazarus was sick, his sisters knew Jesus could heal him. Yet despite their pleas, he tarried for two days, and Lazarus died. They couldn’t understand why Jesus didn’t help them. But we know he had greater plans. The Bible talks about a ‘thorn’ in Paul’s side. Some scholars believe it refers to a physical ailment. While Paul asked God to remove it, God’s answer was this. “My grace is sufficient for you, for My strength is made perfect in weakness.” 2 Cor. 12:9. I cling to that truth. And sing the words of “Even If.” MercyMe – Even If – “Even if You don’t, my hope is You alone.”
God has done remarkable things in the ten years since my diagnosis. I retired from my position and turned my attention to writing—a lifelong desire. Here’s an amazing blessing. My compromised small motor skills prevent me from writing legibly (micrographia), but I can type with great fluency. I see that as God’s provision for me to write. I’ve had six novels published in those ten years, but this latest one is special to me. I wrote a character with Parkinson’s. I’ve wanted to do that for some time. My goal is to offer readers a quality story while bringing awareness to PD. I hope you enjoy Kate’s story. I noted some common symptoms in this message, but Though the Mountains be Shaken will expand your knowledge. PD is the second most prevalent neurodegenerative disease, second only to Alzheimer’s. Everyone knows someone suffering from this disease, so I hope you’ll arm yourself with information, whether through this novel or elsewhere.
Kate Dunbar puts 100% into everything she does—a career as a literary agent, a mom of preschool twins, and the wife of Ryan Dunbar, a criminal defense attorney. She appears to have the perfect life, until it begins to crumble piece by piece—her marriage, her health, and her job.
Kate blames emotional stress for her fatigue, stiffness, and tremors. As symptoms begin to increase, Kate finds herself unable to control her body’s erratic movements. At the same time that she and Ryan separate, she receives a diagnosis of Parkinson’s. Determined not to tell her estranged husband of her diagnosis, Kate faces an unknown future and the possibility that she’ll face it as a single mother.
As glimmers of hope for a restored marriage begin to surface, more upheavals await them. A case that Ryan is defending endangers his family and his career.
Kate and Ryan both harbor secrets that threaten their marriage. Can they mend their broken family? How will Parkinson’s affect their future? For better or worse, for richer or poorer, in sickness and in health, forsaking all others. Every vow they spoke eight years ago is being tested. Can they survive the storm?
Kathleen Neely is a retired elementary principal and enjoys time with family, visiting her two grandsons, traveling, and reading.
She is the author of The Street Singer, Beauty for Ashes, The Least of These, Arms of Freedom, and In Search of True North. Kathleen won second place in a short story contest through ACFW-VA for her short story “The Missing Piece” and an honorable mention for her story “The Dance.” Both were published in a Christmas anthology. Her novel, The Least of These, was awarded first place in the 2015 Fresh Voices contest through Almost an Author. She has numerous devotions published through Christian Devotions.
Kathleen continues to speak to students about writing and publication processes. She is a member of American Christian Fiction Writers. Find Kathleen online:
