It’s not about easy

You do not promise physical healing. You said, “this world will have troubles.”

You do not promise earthly treasures. You said, “store up treasures in heaven.”

You do not promise popularity or ease.  You said, “take up your cross and follow me.”

And I have trouble. Need. A heavy cross to bear. Still, I sing my praises because this life, this faith, is not about easy. It’s about You.

My wise, infinite, sovereign, holy, all-knowing, faithful, loving, all-powerful, self-existent, self-sufficient, just, never-changing, merciful, eternal, good, gracious, omnipresent God. I have enough reason to praise You – to roll out of bed and press my face to the floor – because of who You are, not what I want You to do.

I am nothing. Dust. A sinful and broken woman whose only hope for any future hinges completely on the grace and mercy of You and the sacrifice Your Son made for me.

A correct understanding of You and Your incomparable glorious nature, and a correct understanding of me and my sinful corruptible heart, should humble me to make my heart right with You and desperately seek forgiveness and transformation. No matter the cost.

Broken heart believer

Twenty-one years. Twenty-one long years of praying, crying and waiting on God with expectation.

Twenty-one years of unchanged sameness.

Some days it is hard to believe. HARD. When doubt beats down stronger than the prairie sunshine and seeks to evaporate those last dew-drop of faith IT IS HARD.

How does a broken heart keep believing?

The faith required to keep on keeping on isn’t conjured up inside of me. It doesn’t depend on my strength or ability. This faith springs not from accomplishing or obtaining the what but in knowing the Who. The author and perfecter of faith, Jesus Christ. It’s about Him. God will do what He said He will do. It’s His name on the line. His glory.

Any faith found in me is written by Him. Even the faith to keep taking Him at His Word.

So twenty-one years later, I trudge onward. Acting on the faith I don’t always feel, but believe and know to be true. This lifetime of waiting doesn’t mean God is not acting. I must believe. I must believe. I must believe in the God who loves me, saved me, and hears my prayers.

He hears.

And His heart beats harder, aches deeper, and loves his lost children even more than my heart does.

My broken, desperate, invested heart.

I must believe.

He is good.

Always.

 

 

 

 

Change

How do I leave the place where I am loved, safe, and accepted?

How do I leave my home, friends like family, and all that is familiar?

How do I leave knowing that not everyplace is as accepting, loving, and encouraging as this one has been?

Because God calls.

The only thing scarier than the unknown, is willfully disobeying God. If I stamp my feet and refuse to move when God commands, I risk losing His blessing. If I defiantly remain in the comfortable, it will become uncomfortable. Because if God can no longer bless me here, if He removes Himself from my presence because I demanded my own way, all that was good is tainted and destroyed.

I do not long to go, but I will.

I did not ask to go, but He asked me to go.

I do not know what awaits, but I remember what has been.

I remember His blessings. I  remember how He has carried me though other transitions. I  remember how He has provided above and beyond my wildest dreams, not how I expected, but exactly what I needed. Always.

I will remember and believe.

My God is the same God He was yesterday when I cried leaving Moose Jaw, Saskatchewan and all that was familiar. He is the same God today, as I prepare to leave St Catharines, and all that makes this place home. He will be the same God tomorrow when He plants us in a new community to love. He never leaves, nor forsakes His children.

I can go, because He goes before me.